Happy Prime
by playswithworms
Summary: Optimus Prime inquires about the possibility of sending his daughter to summer daycamp. Fluff and crack.
1. Chapter 1

A bit of explanation: in my real life job as a park naturalist, we have been attending training to learn to use our new program registration software, and we had to make up a family to practice setting up accounts and registering members for different programs. Most folks picked various celebrities and rock stars, and naturally, I picked Optimus Prime, and then gave him a daughter, and registered her for summer camp. Also math puns - did you know there are a gazillion types of prime numbers, including Happy Primes? Go to wikipedia and search "list of prime numbers" for lots of fun possibilities - invent your own Prime!

* * *

 **From: bigrig12357  
To: naturelady **

**Subject: Summer Daycamp Inquiry**

Greetings, NatureLady. My name is Optimus Prime. You may remember that we met briefly after Decepticon attacks trapped your stream survey expedition behind a forest fire. I am pleased to see how well the area has recovered, and I know Hound has enjoyed working on the restoration efforts.

I am writing to you with what may be an unusual request. In perusing your park webpage, I noticed you offer a summer daycamp for humans between the ages of three and five Earth years. Would you consider accepting a non-human youngling into the upcoming session of "Happy Hikers Camp"? Her name is, appropriately, Happy, and she is a Cybertronian newspark who has been enframed for approximately four Earth months. Although she is younger than your designated age range for the camp, according to Ratchet, our medic, developmentally she has reached a similar stage to three-year-old human younglings. Happy is clearly thriving, both physically and emotionally, but I believe her social development could benefit from interaction with other young sentient beings. In addition, I believe younglings are uniquely able to forge bonds of friendship across the barriers of creed or species, and such bonds will benefit both Earthlings and Cybertronians far into the future.

If my request cannot be granted I do understand, but I hope there may be a way to make Happy's attendance at your camp a possibility. Please feel free to respond with any questions or concerns you may have.

Until all are one,

Optimus Prime

 **From: naturelady  
To: bigrig12357 **

**Subject: Re: Summer Daycamp Inquiry**

Greetings, Optimus Prime! Of course I remember you - thank you again for the rescue, and please tell Hound the stream salamanders are back and reproducing this year, in part thanks to his efforts.

We would love to have Happy in our summer daycamp! And...congratulations? I must admit I always assumed Cybertronians came into existence as full adults, but I am delighted to discover the existence of "child" robots, and am very curious and eager to meet young Happy. I do indeed have several questions, to ensure both Happy's safety and comfort, as well as that of our other campers.

1\. How large is Happy? Will she be able to fit in our classroom and building spaces? Would we need to make any modifications to furniture to accommodate her? We hold much of the camp outdoors, but there are portions that take place inside.

2\. Based on what I've seen of adult Cybertronians, I must admit to some concern about the relative strength of a robot child compared to a human, although I know you wouldn't be considering sending Happy to daycamp if you thought she might be a danger to human children. Still, are there any precautions we should take? Does she have inbuilt weapons at this age?

3\. Conversely, are there ways that Happy could be damaged or inadvertently injured by humans?

4\. We require all of our campers to be potty trained. I am assuming this does not apply to Happy, and that she will not need to bring bug spray or sunscreen. As far as other recommended daycamp supplies - I also assume she will not need to bring a change of clothing? We give the kids daycamp T-shirts on the first day, would Happy be able to wear one or just enjoy having one? If so, what size do you recommend? We have some talented volunteers that might be able to sew her a custom T-shirt, if regular human sizes will not fit her.

5\. Is Happy able to swim or be exposed to water? Some of our camp activities include creek stomping, playing under sprinklers on hot days, and swimming at a shallow beach area (water is less than 2 feet deep, and lifeguards are on duty). Campers that do not wish to swim can also play on the beach or on a nearby playground.

6\. Campers are asked to bring a lunch daily, and we provide a mid-afternoon snack. Does Happy eat or intake fuel somehow? Would she be harmed by human food? Many of our campers have allergies and special dietary requirements, so it is not unusual for them to bring their own snack, and we are accustomed to taking special precautions, or making special arrangements during lunchtime.

7\. Parents are required to personally sign in and sign out their campers each day during drop off and pick up. As it would be difficult for you to enter the building to do so, I think we can probably figure out an alternative, like bringing the clipboard out to the parking lot.

8\. Security and publicity - we are a busy public park, and Happy's attendance at our daycamp could engender some curiosity and attention, although visitors are beginning to become accustomed to seeing Hound and Beachcomber and some of the other Autobots around. We have park rangers and our own media specialists we can call on to keep things from getting too out of hand on the human end of things, but how would you like to handle media requests for more information or for interviews? Are there any concerns about potential Decepticon interest or threats? Would you be planning to provide your own additional security at the park?

Wow, this is a lot of questions, but I'm fairly sure we can figure out a way to make this work, and I think we should definitely give it a try! If, for whatever reason, either of us decide it isn't working after the first day or so, we can try to find a different camp or program that might work better for Happy or refund your registration fee (minus a $15 deposit - and I think Hound's still got that much on credit since he had to cancel on the "Build Your Own Bathouse" program).

Roll out! (so sorry, I'm...a bit of a fan)

NatureLady

 **From: bigrig12357  
To: naturelady **

**Subject: Re: Re: Summer Daycamp Inquiry**

Thank you for your comprehensive reply, NatureLady. I am pleased that you are willing to give Happy a chance to attend daycamp, and thank you as well for the congratulations. Happy was an unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome arrival (the Matrix of Leadership is also sometimes called by its lesser known name of the 'Creation Matrix.' We did not realize until quite recently that this was meant in the literal sense). I believe I can provide satisfactory answers to most of your excellent questions:

1\. Cybertronian newsparks are initially enframed quite small until their sparks grow strong enough to support larger frames, so Happy should have no issues with navigating in human spaces. She will actually most likely be one of the smaller children (30.7 inches), although she is quite a bit heavier than the human average at her size (75.2 pounds). If the furniture can support the weight of an adult human it should be fine for Happy.

2\. Happy is quite a bit stronger than a human child of the same size, but she has also made great strides in her motor control over the last few months, and knows how to be gentle around organic organisms (she has interacted with the adult humans at our base since she was first enframed, and regularly handles our local cat and kitten population without harm to either party). If there are concerns from other parents, I can also ask Ratchet to temporarily adjust her gripping and throwing strength to be no greater than that of a young human; I do not believe this will cause her any distress. As her name suggests, she is a very adaptable and cheerful newspark. She does not possess any inbuilt weaponry (she will need to earn her driver's license first).

3\. I do not believe Happy could be easily damaged by a human newspark, although she could be injured from being dropped or falling from a height of greater than ten feet, and she is sometimes frightened by extremely loud or sudden sounds. Her outer armor is thin but quite sturdy, and should protect her from most circumstances she would encounter at daycamp.

4\. You are correct, potty training is not required for Cybertronians - any waste is eliminated in a harmless vapor form - and she won't be harmed by either biting insects or by sun exposure. I believe Happy would be thrilled to have her own summer daycamp T-shirt - a child size small should be adequate, although the neck may need to be altered to fit over her helm, as it is rather large in proportion to the rest of her.

5\. Water is not a problem and will not harm Happy, although you may wish to notify your lifeguards that she does not require oxygen, and can stay underwater indefinitely.

6\. Happy only requires refueling once a day, and her regular fuel could pose a slight safety hazard to the other campers should they ingest it, so would plan on refueling either before or after camp. I can, however, provide her with some harmless aluminum wafers and rust sticks to eat during lunch and snack times, and she would also enjoy any extra small pieces of scrap metal you have lying around (old nails, nuts and bolts, etc.). She does understand that she is not to eat these items unless they have been specifically given to her. She also has been told that she is not to eat human food, but please keep a close eye on her, in case her curiosity overpowers her logic centers when she sees the other children eating. Ratchet would be most displeased to have to remove organic food from her systems, and I suspect she would not enjoy the process herself, but human food would do her systems no lasting harm.

7\. I am capable of projecting a human-sized holo-matter avatar for the distance required to enter the building for drop off and pick up, so signing the clipboard should not be a problem.

8\. I would prefer to keep Happy's attendance at your camp as low key as possible, and will withdraw her at any time if you feel it has become too disruptive of your daily operations. With your permission we will station several Autobots nearby, and can provide additional human security officers, and I will consider media and interview requests on a case by case basis. As far as Decepticon activity, newsparks such as Happy are considered sacrosanct in our culture, and she is the first new Cybertronian in millennia. Megatron called a ceasefire as soon as he was made aware of her existence. Indeed, your park will be one of the safest places from Decepticon attacks with Happy in attendance: as long as her systems and well-being are so completely dependent on my own, both she and I are considered entirely off limits to Decepticon attacks or interference.

I hope I have answered all of your questions - please let me know if you need any further information, and thank you again for your flexibility and consideration for Happy's safety and comfort.

Roll out! (lol)

Optimus

 **From: naturelady  
To: bigrig12357 **

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Summer Daycamp Inquiry**

Hello Optimus,

Sorry for the delay in replying - I had to run your request through our safety committee, the daycamp accreditation folks, the parks board, the park rangers, and three different directors, but I think we've managed to wrangle all of the red tape, and Happy is approved to attend our Happy Hikers Daycamp! Camp begins two weeks from today - drop off is at 9am on Monday. A $15 deposit is required to hold her spot in camp, with the balance due before the first day - I've included a link to your online account. Your user name is your email address, and your initial password is "Optimus" (we recommend changing it after you access your account the first time).

I've attached the daily schedule and what to bring each day, as well as some health forms and other paperwork to be returned before the first day of camp. Much of this will not apply to Happy of course - just use your best judgement when filling out and leave blank whatever does not apply.

You'll notice she is listed on the registration forms and in your online account as "Happy Prime" - I was under the impression that "Prime" is a title, not a last name in the human sense, but I'm afraid our registration software is rather inflexible and requires a last name to be entered. If there is a different name you would prefer us to use please just let me know and I can change it.

Our daycamp counselors are super excited and can't wait to meet little Happy! As always, feel free to call or email if you think of any further concerns or questions, and otherwise we'll see you in a few weeks!

NatureLady

 **From: bigrig12357  
To: naturelady **

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Summer Daycamp Inquiry**

This is wonderful news! Thank you, NatureLady, for all of your hard work in making Happy's attendance at your camp possible. I've shown her your camp brochure and she is very excited. I must admit I am excited but also apprehensive at the thought of being parted from her for so long, but I realize this is a necessary step that all parents must face. I shall endeavor to maintain my composure and not make a scene on the first day drop off (I cannot make any promises for Ironhide, however.) I look forward to seeing you in two weeks.

Optimus


	2. Chapter 2

Co-workers are curious about Happy's first day at camp! This chapter contains some discussion of mechpreg and references to robot intimate relations.

* * *

 **From: treegirl  
To: naturelady **

**Subject: So?! Gimme the scoop!**

Did you get to meet Optimus again? Is his holo avatar dreamy? Did you get his autograph?

I've seen all the news reports, but what was it really like having a little robot kid in camp? Did the other parents, like, totally freak out?

Come on, tell me tell me tell me!

 **From: naturelady  
To: treegirl **

**Subject: Re: So?! Gimme the scoop!**

Geez, excited much? lol, yes, you silly monkey, I got to meet Optimus again. His holo avatar looks just like he usually does, only smaller. Hound says they can make it look like anything - I was picking his brains before the first day of camp - but they thought sticking to their regular robot forms would be less confusing for Happy and for everyone else. Then he projected himself as a six-foot tall mountain lion. It was awesome.

I'll admit I was a little nervous, but Happy's first day at camp went great! We gave all the other parents a heads up before the first day, so everyone knew what to expect - there were a lot of questions, but we only had one withdraw, and then two other parents requested to transfer their kids in from different camps, so it all evened out. Usually we have a few kids show up late on the first day, but everyone was there really early! The counselors said there was a line already when they got here to unlock the building.

Optimus and Ironhide parked outside, and then came in with Ironhide carrying Happy, and OMG she's so little! I know Optimus told me how tall she was, and you've seen the pictures, but she's just so little and adorable, and she was looking and pointing at everything and asking questions non-stop the whole time. I thought Optimus was just joking about Ironhide, but he really didn't want to put her down, and then when he finally did Happy went right inside with Julian to meet the other kids and start in with the crayons and Play Doh, only I didn't get to see because I was too busy answering the third degree from Ironhide. I swear, Prime totally winked at me when he dragged him away, it was too hilarious.

I was a little worried Happy would be overwhelmed; all the other kids kind of looked at her and stared at first, but she's a confident little thing, she just said hi and seemed so delighted by everyone and everything, and when a couple of them got brave enough to poke her she just poked them right back, really gentle about it, though, and then she giggled like it was the best game in the world, and the other kids started giggling too. When she takes your hand with those little finger digits you can just tell she's being so careful - it's really sweet. One of the kids told her she wasn't a person, she was a robot, and she told them "I'm a robot person" and everyone seemed ok with that, lol. From there I honestly mostly forgot she wasn't just another kid!

She was a bit of a Hermione Granger at first - Happy apparently has a pretty extensive nature database already. She'd just jump right in with the right answers all the time to everything, but we just gave a few hints about taking turns and using imagination, and everyone learning things at their own pace, and she picked up on what we were getting at pretty quick. Started letting the other kids have their say without correcting everything all the time, although you could see her little optics blinking away every once in awhile at the sillier stuff. She seemed a little puzzled by the imaginative play at first, but I think she was starting to get the hang of it - during free time they had a whole adventure going with the toy stuffed animals in the treehouse, and Happy had the stuffed frog hopping around, just one of the gang. One way she's definitely different from human kids, you never have to tell her anything twice!

Anyway, when Optimus and Ironhide came to pick her up she had to take them all around and show them everything and introduce them to all her friends (the little campers were totally awestruck to meet Happy's "mom and dad" - sometimes Optimus was the mom and sometimes he was the dad, didn't seem to particularly care which) and then try on her camp t-shirt (it fits over her head, just barely!)

You should have seen the look on Ironhide's face when Happy was showing Optimus her worm farm she made today! Not thrilled, to put it mildly, lol, but Optimus was all serious attention when Happy introduced him to her worms. She named one Megatron because it was big and fat and the other one Bumblebee because it was wiggly. You could tell Optimus had missed her, the way he held her and listened to everything she said. Ironhide got to carry the worm farm :P

I did not get an autograph from Optimus, I'm afraid. Come on Wednesday and do a tree class for the little bits, and you can ask him for one yourself, though ;) He totally won't mind - he did a bunch for the other parents while he was waiting to pick up Happy, and seemed to really enjoy talking to them about their kids.

Hound says hi, by the way, and that he's sorry he had to bail halfway through the stream re-planting project this spring - that was when Happy showed up, kind of took priority for awhile.

 **From: treegirl  
To: naturelady **

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: So?! Gimme the scoop!**

Aww, Happy sounds so adorable! I'm glad it went well, and I can't stop laughing over the thought of Ironhide living with two worms named Megatron and Bumblebee. Poor guy! XD So...is Ironhide Happy's dad? How does that even work, exactly? They've been pretty vague about the details in the news interviews, other than she was a spark that came from the Matrix.

Gah! So tempting, I'd love to teach a class, but little kids scare me! Last time I tried to talk to a class of preschoolers it lasted all of ten minutes and then they all started getting up and running around.

 **From: naturelady  
To: treegirl **

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: So?! Gimme the scoop!**

Ironhide's not the first parent to be dubious about the worm farm! (Hey, if you come to nature camp, fair warning, some of the nature's going to come home with you.)

I'm pretty sure Ironhide is Optimus's significant other, although all the Autobots are Optimus's significant others in one way or another, according to Hound. Apparently Cybertronian society isn't really into monogamy, and that's all the detail I'm going to go into on a work email account, lol.

Anyway, Hound said Happy's spark was provided by the Matrix, not necessarily "fathered" by anyone, although Optimus incubated her in his chest for awhile. Remember that thing that was in the tabloids back in February, claiming that Prime had a heart attack in the middle of some UN meeting? Hound said that one was actually true - poor Optimus dropped like a rock when Happy's spark first ignited. Then he incubated her in his chest for about a month while protomatter accumulated around her spark - at a certain point it peeled away from Optimus's protoform, which doesn't sound fun at all, and Ratchet put her in a little simple body he'd built. The cool thing? All the Cybertronians on Earth contributed metal for her frame from their own bodies - even the Decepticons, if you can believe it - so it's kind of like they're all her parents.

You can totally handle a class of fifteen preschoolers including one robot-kid, I have faith! Just come and talk a few minutes about the work you do in forestry and let them ask questions, and then we can go do a tree hike and collect leaves and we'll do some leaf rubbings. You'll survive, I promise!

 **From: treegirl  
To: naturelady **

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So?! Gimme the scoop!**

Wait, what what what? Are you implying the robots have, ahem...carnal relations? I'm horrified! I'm appalled! I'm...strangely intrigued. We really need to meet for lunch sometime. And invite Hound along.

One month pregnancy, not a bad deal, really, and wow, everyone donating metal for her frame - kinda sweet. Weird, but sweet. I can't really picture Megatron doing anything of the sort. It's been nice not having to look over our shoulders for Decepticons, though. Hope that lasts!

Ok ok, you talked me into it. What time on Wednesday?

 **From: naturelady  
To: treegirl **

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: So?! Gimme the scoop!**

One word: hermaphrodites. Ironhide has more in common with those worms than he probably realizes!

Awesome, how about 2:30ish? Right after snack and then by the time we're done it'll be time for the parents to start picking up, and you can meet Optimus. See you Wednesday!


	3. Chapter 3

**Incoming encrypted transmission:**

"Prime. What is this I hear about the newspark attending a 'camp'? In the care of _humans_?"

"Megatron, it is good to hear from you. Yes, she is indeed attending daycamp. The humans give her excellent care, as if she were one of their own younglings. She has no batchmates of her age; what else would you have me do?"

"She's not old enough to be away from you for that long!"

"According to Ratchet six hours of separation is well within developmental guidelines, and Happy has not at all been distressed. Her processor thrives on new experiences, as well as the interaction with other younglings, and she enjoys her camp very much. It is my own spark that has struggled to adjust, I'm afraid."

"Happy. Which of your sentimental, soft-sparked Autobots named her? Or was it you, Prime."

"She named herself, on the day she first found words."

"Ah."

"She has brought home two earthworms from camp. One she calls 'Megatron,' because it is the biggest and the fattest, she says."

"A...worm."

"Megatron-worm and Bumblebee-worm share a home of newspaper and vegetable scraps. Happy is very fond of them."

"Prime…what..."

"Yes?"

"I...hrm. She knows something of me, then."

"We have shown her something of all who are a part of her. Not everything. She is, as you have pointed out, still very young."

"And she is well?"

"Yes, very well. I was concerned, to bring forth a newspark so far from Cybertron, but she flourishes, my brother."

"And...you?"

"Me?"

"Slaggit, Optimus. Don't evade my question."

"Megatron, I will answer you if I can, but you need to be a little less cryptic."

"To incubate a newspark as you did can be hazardous, Prime. _You_ , you Primus-damned self-sacrificing idiot. Are you well?"

"Ah. Yes, I am healing. I am well."

"See that you stay that way."

"Yes, brother."

"Is she there with you now? Happy?"

"She is recharging here, on my chestplates. Her camp keeps her very busy; she rests well and deeply when she returns to process all that she has learned. Would you like a visual feed?"

"I...yes."

….

….

….

….

….

….

"Megatron?"

"A little longer?"

"Of course."

….

….

….

….

….

….

 **End encrypted transmission.**


End file.
